


my greatest mistake

by twistedsky



Series: the soulmate project [4]
Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 04:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5234414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twistedsky/pseuds/twistedsky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some soulmates don't get happy endings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my greatest mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: alcohol use, drug use, emotional manipulation, vague mentions of sex, vague references to homophobia, and canon murder.
> 
> This isn't entirely canon-compliant, even outside of the soulmates thing.

The first time Rebecca meets Lila, she’s after drugs, and Rebecca intends to get them for her.

She’s a rich girl looking for power beyond her name and her money, and if Rebecca weren’t so blinded by the fact that this is the Lila whose name resides literally between her thighs, maybe she’d worry about that.

“Rebecca,” Lila says her name, like she’s tasting it, like she’s trying it out. She smiles. “I think we’re going to do great things together.”

Rebecca knows what this means.

Rebecca’s believed in love and soulmates for a really long time, burying it under cynicism and sarcasm.

Rebecca listens to Lila tell her about her dreams, about her plans, and she can barely make herself listen to the words.

This is the girl she’s supposed to love.

~~

The first time they get drunk and high together, Rebecca’s not surprised when Lila tilts her head toward her and presses her lips against Rebecca’s own.

No, this is exactly what she’s been waiting for.

Rebecca should be smarter than this, she should know that you don’t get to escape your own life just because you meet your soulmate, and she happens to be somebody.

Rebecca’s no one, but right now Lila’s lips are pressed against hers, and her hand is cupping Rebecca’s face, and she feels like she might be someone.

Lila pulls away from her and giggles. “You know, I thought I was one of those randos who doesn’t have a name, because I just couldn’t find it for the longest time.”

“Yeah?” Rebecca says, and she can’t seem to stop herself from looking at beautiful, amazing Lila. “I could never tell anyone about mine, because it just seemed kind of weird.” She motions between her thighs, and Lila raises an eyebrow.

“Nice,” Lila says. “Mine is under my hair. My little sister got lice when I was in high school, and she gave it to everyone in my family. I got frustrated with the attempts to get rid of them, so I just shaved my head, and there it was.” She points to the left side of her scalp. “You can’t even see it.”

Rebecca reaches out a hand, and touches where Lila says it is, and smiles.

Lila does this to her—makes her smile and feel happy, and if this is the feeling that people are always talking about, she understands why so many people end up with their soulmates.

Lila leans forward and kisses Rebecca again, and Rebecca relaxes into it.

This is it, this is her happy ending.

This is the thing that’s going to change her life.

She’s already a little in love with bright, shiny Lila, and it feels like this is the best thing that’s ever happened to her.

~~

Lila’s always meeting her in covert places, always whisking her away on little adventures to nowhere.

Rebecca loves it. She loves feeling like she belongs with someone, loves having this beautiful, amazing secret to keep hidden from everyone, and she loves the way it makes her feel.

She loves the way Lila makes her feel.

Lila’s always taking charge—she’s not always the one who kisses first, but she looks disappointed when she’s not, so Rebecca stops doing it, just lets Lila shower her with kisses, and then slide her hand between Rebecca’s legs.

The first time that Lila guides Rebecca’s head between her thighs, Rebecca thinks she’s found heaven.

This is her soulmate, and they’re together, and this is their story.

It’s perfect.

~~

When Lila introduces Rebecca to her boyfriend Griffin, Rebecca feels a stabbing pain of resentment.

Griffin talks about their celibacy rings, about how they’re committed to each other, how one day they’re going to get married, and Rebecca’s heart clenches in her chest.

He’s wrong.

He’s just the guy that Lila’s using so that her parents don’t get upset with her, just the guy she needs so that she doesn’t have her sorority sisters look at her like she’s some kind of freak.

He’s not the guy that Lila loves—he’s just the horny guy pretending he’s committed to some girl he’s never going to end up marrying.

None of this is real.

Rebecca says that to herself over and over again, but every time she lays eyes on him, she hates him a little bit more.

“He’s just a guy,” Lila says when Rebecca tells her how upset she is. She takes hold of Rebecca’s hand and squeezes it. “You know you’re my girl.”

And at first, she does.

She believes it.

~~

“Why don’t we go out somewhere?” Rebecca asks, and Lila sighs and gets that look on her face that screams that she’s gone too far.

“Rebecca—“

“No, not like that. Just as friends. We could be friends, you know, and people wouldn’t really think twice about it.” Rebecca hates that she sounds desperate.

“They would,” Lila insists. “And it doesn’t matter what they think so long as you know about us.”

“What are we?” Rebecca asks. “How long is it supposed to be like this?”

Lila curls up closer to Rebecca, and Rebecca wonders why it’s okay for them to be like this on the roof, but not in her bedroom.

“You’re my soulmate, Rebecca. It means we’ll always be together, even if we’re with other people too.”

“That’s not what I want,” Rebecca tells. “I just want—“

“I love you,” Lila says, and it’s the first time she’s said it.

Rebecca hadn’t wanted to say it first, hadn’t wanted to jump ahead and scare Lila off, not when she’s got Griffin.

“I love you too,” Rebecca says.

~~

“He’s so hot,” Lila tells her, babbling on about some Mr. Darcy. “He’s going to leave his wife, and we’re going to be together.”

What about _us_? Rebecca wants to ask, but she doesn’t.

Instead she stews silently.

She feels like a fool, like she should have known better, because there’s always going to be someone else with Lila.

“They never leave their wives,” Rebecca says meanly, and Lila looks hurt.

Rebecca doesn’t take it back, doesn’t apologize, just lets Lila live in her happy land of denial, because it never takes long for her to get herself back on the right track, with or without Rebecca there to tell her she’s right.

Lila’s the kind of girl who knows she’s right, even when she’s wrong.

~~

All the things she’s supposed to love about Lila are the things that feel like knives slicing against her skin now.

Secrets feel like pain, not pleasure.

Rebecca is living in shadows and secrets, and she wants to be in the light of day with the girl she loves, the girl who is supposed to love her(but can’t seem to stop loving everybody).

It'd be different if they were all together, if it were Lila, Rebecca, and Griffin, but it isn't. It's Rebecca and Lila, Lila and Griffin, Lila and Mr. Darcy. 

Lila doesn’t make promises, but she always makes Rebecca think she is, always makes her believe that things will be better for them one day without actually saying it.

She never makes plans with Rebecca, just makes plans with everyone else.

She wants her Mr. Darcy, or maybe she wants her popular football player boyfriend.

She never seems to say she wants Rebecca, and just Rebecca, but she never seems to want to let her go either.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore,” Rebecca says lightly one night, when she’s feeling overwhelmed, and love doesn’t feel like enough.

“We’re soulmates,” Lila says, and Rebecca used to think that meant something, but now she’s not so sure. “We’re supposed to be together.”

“But we’re not,” Rebecca points out, and Lila shakes her head, and takes Rebecca’s hand.

“But we are,” Lila says, like that’s that, and there’s no room for argument.

Rebecca hates herself for actually buying into it, because while Lila’s holding her hand and looking into her eyes like they’re always going to be together, she actually believes her.

~~

“I’m pregnant,” Lila announces, and she’s so damn happy about it, Rebecca doesn’t get it.

“What do you think, he’s going to leave his wife and marry you, and raise the baby?” Rebecca can’t help but get loud and bitter.

 “That’s exactly what I think,” Lila says. “I love him.”

“I thought you loved me,” Rebecca says, and Lila just shakes her head.

“I’m allowed to want more,” Lila says.

“So am I,” Rebecca shouts.

Lila looks hurt, like Rebecca is trying to shatter her dreams.

And maybe she is, but it’s hard to feel guilty about it when Lila is standing there acting like a baby is the solution to all of her problems.

“I don’t understand why you’re being this way,” Lila says calmly, even though her eyes scream hurt and anger.

“I care about you. I just want—“ Rebecca realizes there’s no way to say what she wants, not anymore.

Lila has made her choice, she’s made it a hundred times, and Rebecca’s just been too foolish to see it.

“Never mind,” Rebecca says, shaking her head and picking up her bag. “I have to go.”

“Rebecca—“ Lila calls after her, almost hesitantly, like she’s not even sure she wants to try to stop her from leaving.

Rebecca looks back, and gives Lila one last chance.

Lila presses her lips together firmly, and it’s clear that there’s no more hope here.

“Did you ever love me?” Rebecca asks, and Lila’s face softens.

“Of course,” she says softly, and she points to the place on her head where her soulmate mark hides. “It’s just not enough. I need want more. I want—“ Lila sighs. “I want everything.”

Rebecca’s not even sure what the hell that’s supposed to mean.

Rebecca hears _you’re not enough_ , and when she leaves, she doesn’t feel relieved that Lila loves her, she feels hurt that she doesn’t love her enough.

~~

And so, Rebecca does what she does best: she screws stuff up.

She makes sure Lila shows up and sees her with Griffin, and it’s vindictive and mean, but she can’t make herself care.

Griffin’s just a boy, and Rebecca’s never much liked him.

She doesn’t care what he thinks, or how he feels, and maybe that makes her as bad as Lila.

Maybe she’s just as bad, because she doesn’t care who she hurts, not right now.

The look of heartbreak on Lila’s face makes Rebecca wonder bitterly which one of them she’s more upset about—her boyfriend, or her soulmate?

The sad thing is, there should be an easy answer there, but there’s not.

And that’s why there’s so much anger burning through her veins, like she’s on fire, like she’s a volcano ready to erupt.

She wants an apology, or to apologize. She can never quite get things clear in her mind when it comes to Lila, who always makes everything into some weird little secret, some private hazy moment just between the two of them.

But this isn’t that—this isn’t hazy or private, it’s sharp pain and Griffin’s witness and accomplice to it.

She never should have opened herself up, never should have let Lila in.

She’s a fool for thinking she’d get some kind of happy ending.

~~

The funny thing about Lila’s disappearance is that it leaves Rebecca in a weird state.

When they find her body, and she’s _dead_ , it’s like this was always the natural ending for this story.

Lila’s dead, and Rebecca’s heart is broken, but underneath that she feels relief.

Finally, she’s free.


End file.
